genevrier | 💀 pour oublier ma peine immense

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💀 pour oublier ma peine immense

It had been a long and hard three years.

Ladybug had run out of fingers with which to count the sticky situations she and Chat Noir had been in because of Hawkmoth. But finally, finally, she and her partner had him dead to rights. As time went on, they had grown desperate, and they'd made mistakes - but nothing they hadn't been able to fix. He'd made mistakes, too, and that was how the two of them had managed to track him down.

Heart pounding, she cast her gaze down at the man that had been their adversary for so long. Hawkmoth stared back at the both of them with a dark glare full of loathing. There were a lot of things she had wanted to ask him when she finally caught up to him, but there was only one question she was actually able to form.

"How could you?" She whispered, her voice ragged. She was breathing heavily - the fight had taken a lot out of her. Out of her partner, and out of their enemy, too; had it gone on much longer, they all might have dropped dead out of exhaustion. "You hurt so many people."

Hawkmoth's eyes glittered, and he pressed his lips together into a thin line. Ladybug felt something roll down her cheek - sweat, she hoped, and not blood or tears, but she'd taken a hit to the temple earlier and she couldn't be certain that it wasn't bleeding (and in fact it was). But she was in better shape than him, at least. He was beaten down, he had lost.

All that remained was to take his Miraculous and make sure that Nooroo's power never, ever fell int the hands of someone like him ever again.

His refusal to answer stirred anger in her where there had once been pity.

"Men. Women. Children. You used them all - and for what? What on earth could have been worth it? I don't understand. Explain yourself, Hawkmoth."

He didn't answer. He looked between the two of them, seething. Ladybug scowled and knelt down in front of him, curled her fingers around his brooch, and yanked it away from his suit.

The magic holding his transformation together fell apart, and Nooroo emerged from the butterfly Miraculous at long last. Ladybug cradled him in the crook of her arm and watched as the facial features of their nemesis became clear.

A well-dressed man, middle-aged. Nobody she recognized. Without his Miraculous, he should have been powerless. Defeated. Done for.

She didn't catch his smirk until it was too late.

His hand darted into the suit jacket that hadn't been there before, and his fingers closed around something she couldn't see. "I'll make you understand," He snarled, and the next thing she knew his hand emerged from the jacket and the crack of a gunshot split the air. "Perhaps now we'll share the same wish."

There was a gun in his hand, Ladybug realized, as a dull roar and the man's twisted, bitter laughter filled her ears. He hadn't aimed at her. She turned toward her partner with dread.

He had aimed at him, and his laughter was not the laughter of a man who had missed his mark.

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Adrien relaxed his hold, still in low-grade panic, unable to tell if he was upsetting her more, or comforting her. Heart pounding, he kept his arms around her, but made it easy to pull away.

He just didn't understand. He didn't understand anything that was going on, and he'd gone and put his foot in it.

He thought back to Marinette's explanation of who he liked, the sadness in her voice when she said it, how he'd withdrawn from her immediately after, and his heart sank.

Adrien had had his reasons, but... how must this feel, for her?

"... I don't remember anything," he said softly. "But I know how I feel. I know who I trust. I know who I'm safe with."

He swallowed, hard.

"You were here when I woke up."

When he woke up...

Did he mean just now, after his nap? Or when he woke up for the first time after his accident? ...he was right either way, but Ladybug had only been there for one of those, and if he was thinking of the first and she was thinking of the second and she admitted it, then -

He already knew. He'd made it clear that he'd figured it out, but her stomach couldn't stop churning and she couldn't stop worrying that she'd given herself away.

"I want to be worthy of your trust," she whispered. "I- I want to be able to keep you safe."

But she'd failed him once. Hawkmoth was gone, but what if there was still more out there? She could only hope that there wasn't, but what if there was?

"I'm safe now... it's okay."

He reached up a hand, touched her hair like she had when he'd been in tears, his head pounding, hurting. But she needed him. He couldn't tap out on her now.

"... I don't understand," he said softly, haltingly, hoping it wouldn't hurt her more. "I don't know what's going on, or why I'm making you sad, but I- I want to."

Deep breath.

"I want you to trust me, too."

"I do trust you... I just-"

Three years of keeping secrets had taken their toll.

That was it, wasn't it? Marinette had never been good at hiding the truth, but for three years, she'd managed to - by convincing herself that no one could ever know, not even her partner, not even Adrien.

Now that it was safe, in theory, to tell him... now that the person who would use that knowledge to hurt them both was no longer a problem... she still couldn't say it.

"I hate lies," she said softly. "Especially when they're about me. But this is the one thing I really don't know how to tell the truth about anymore, and I'm... I'm sorry about that."

Adrien listened, and he leaned in, rested his forehead very lightly against hers. It still hurt to do it, to have any pressure there, but the bandages helped.

"Tell me," he answered. "But when you're ready, okay?"

He trusted her. He could trust her with this. With what he didn't know.

"Okay," she whispered.

Someday.

Someday, she would tell him. Ladybug didn't know when that day would be, but... eventually. Until then, they would just have to take it slow, take it one day at a time, work at putting his memories back together until he had the full context again, until she was secure enough in the idea that confirming who she was wouldn't be a huge mistake.

Adrien knew, in his heart, who she was. It wasn't so much that it was the only thing that made sense, it was that he knew her. He knew her in a way that went beyond what he was told, beyond the things he could consciously remember. He knew her touch, her scent, the exact shade of blue in her eyes, the way her voice trembled when she was hurting, and if Ladybug were to smile for him, he'd recognize the way it lit up her face.

He knew.

But it seemed like his partner didn't.

(Partner, the word fluttered through his mind, there and gone, a feeling more than a name or a title, partner, his other half, his teammate, his soul-)

"Okay," he confirmed, his voice soft as he settled, forehead resting against hers, not quite hugging her.

He longed to be close, but he wouldn't pull her in.

There would be time.

There would be time. Marinette wasn't going anywhere, and neither was Ladybug.

She stayed settled against him, breathing in his scent, soaking up his warmth, and listening to the beat of his heart that she could hear faintly - or maybe that was her own heart. She wasn't sure. They were probably in sync, anyway.

They definitely were, in that they both wanted to be close, but were both hesitating to pull the other in closer. She didn't want to hurt him - and so, since he was injured, she would do this at his pace, let him make the first move, let him determine what he could and couldn't handle. She owed him that much, at least.

But as time wore on, the silence grew deafening, and she took a breath.

"...you okay?"

It was a complicated question, and he knew that his answer would make her sad. Meanwhile, lying was not an option. Not answering was also not an option. What to do?

Adrien touched his lips and nose to her hair, breathed her in.

"I want to be," he said softly.

That was the core of it, wasn't it? And she felt it was her fault, which almost hurt more than the rest of it combined.

"My ribs hurt," he said softly, "but I want to be close to you anyway. Is that okay?"

It was far from all of it. But it was a start.

Marinette's heart ached, but she nodded anyway.

What Adrien wanted, Adrien would get. And what he wanted was to be close to Ladybug, even if his ribs were aching, even if his bed would be more comfortable without her in it.

"That's okay," she whispered. "I'll be as close to you as you want me to."

If someone were to approach the room, she would have to leave - but for now, when it was just the two of them, Adrien could keep her as close as he liked.

Adrien nodded, looking at her through his lashes, breathing out as he held her closer, held her to his chest.

The pain made him lightheaded, but he breathed through it, enduring it, wishing she'd drop the transformation and just be.

The moment he thought of the question, it hurt. He wasn't sure he wanted to ask. But he had to.

"... how do you feel about me?" he asked, halting, unsure.

Holding her as close as he was, he would feel her heart skip a beat, and he'd definitely hear the way her breath caught.

"I..." She loved him so much that it hurt. It hurt to know that he wanted to hear this from Ladybug, that he remembered Ladybug's name without being prompted, that she'd had to tell him about Marinette.

More than that, though, it hurt knowing that she'd done the exact same goddamn thing to him that he was doing to her now.

She'd been so head-over-heels for Adrien that she had been completely oblivious to Chat Noir's identity.

But she had to be honest with him now. He deserved that much, at least.

"...I... love you."

Audibly, he caught his breath, swallowed a noise. Shock, and an unexpected wave of pain.

He hadn't expected that. He'd expected the answer he'd gotten from Marinette, some version of it's complicated. He'd expected some explanation of the partner feeling that had pressed through his heart when he considered her.

The pain turned to sadness, and he caught his breath again, harder with the pressure of his chest.

"... did I know that?" he asked.

She opened her mouth to answer him, and found that she couldn't quite find the words.

It should have been simple. It wasn't even words, plural, it was just one word: No. She'd never told him. Not when he was Adrien, and certainly not when he was Chat Noir, because she was a coward.

Slowly, she shook her head.

"I don't think so," she answered quietly. "We never talked about it. And..."

Ladybug bit her lip.

"...things were... a little complicated."

Edited 2017-04-05 03:19 (UTC)

"Oh."

His mouth was dry, the pain bitter on his tongue. He wasn't sure why it hurt so badly, but it did. Why hadn't she told him...?

He didn't immediately consider how strange it was for her to love a civilian, let alone one she supposedly hadn't kept up with in several years.

"Did I tell you how I felt?"

...god.

"That's... part of what made it complicated."

But she couldn't get into that. It was way, way too early for her to tell him he was Chat Noir. Nooroo had said that he would work on Gabriel, try to soften him up a bit, but she was sure that with Adrien still laid up, he wouldn't take kindly to any questions about Plagg, or about his Miraculous.

If she told him he was Chat Noir now, then...

"...and I think a lot of it will make more sense after you remember more."

Confused, feeling sick now with the pain and lack of air, Adrien watched the windows, his mind swimming with the overload.

I love you.

He hadn't known. He hadn't known and she'd nearly watched him die, and now...

Already, he was mixing up things that Marinette said, that Ladybug said. He saw them as the same, which seemed obvious to him, but apparently wasn't supposed to be.

"... there's more?" he asked, clearly overwhelmed.

What could possibly top this?

Edited 2017-04-05 03:41 (UTC)

"Yes," she answered, her voice small. "There's a lot more."

It would have been difficult enough to get into it if he'd remembered everything. Going into it now, when there was so much he didn't know...

It wouldn't work. It just wouldn't work.

"...but now might not be the best time to get into it. I'll... be around, so we can take it a little at a time."

Adrien's next breath came out in a wheeze, and he knew that he needed to pull away, but didn't want to. Not now. Not yet. Frustration prickled at the back of his tongue, the edges of his eyes, and his head swam.

He didn't want to take this a little at a time. This was his memory, his heart, that they were talking about.

These memories and this self belonged to him, and he wanted it back. It didn't matter that he wasn't ready. It didn't matter that it hurt.

She loved him and he couldn't remember how they met. She loved him and he couldn't remember why.

He felt like an imposter in his own skin.

Adrien started to cough, and covered his mouth.

Oh god-

Ladybug's eyes went wide, and she pulled away from him to give him some space, leaned over the side of the bed to grab for the trash bin in case he got nauseous and needed to throw up again. She held it far enough away that hopefully the smell wouldn't bother him, but close enough that she could bring it to him if he needed it.

"Adrien, I- a-are you okay?!"

Should she call someone? Could she call someone?

Ladybug knew where the bin was. One more detail, because of course.

Adrien shook his head, feeing sick, but able to get enough air that the dizziness was receding now that the pressure was off his chest. He hadn't wanted to let her go, but he was so pissed that he had to.

He wiped his eyes, shivering as he came down from the high of pain, the lack of oxygen. The tips of his fingers felt cold.

"My fault," he muttered softly, shaking his head as he lay back against the pillows.

"My ribs, that's all..." he trailed off. He'd been pushing himself too hard.

"Rib injuries are the worst," she said quietly, easing the bin back down as he seemed to improve. She kept her distance, because, well...

She didn't want him to get hurt again.

"There's nothing that can really heal them except for time."

Time, and in this case, distance. Because if she kept cuddling up to him like this, if he kept re-injuring himself, he was never going to get fully better. "...but we've got time. We've got a lot of time, and when your ribs aren't hurting you anymore, we can be as close as you want."

The comment made Adrien pause, stare at her. Of course, she was a superhero, she must have had injuries...

He barely heard the rest of what she said because it was noticing what he hadn't before- the bruising the the mask mostly hid, the way she was holding herself-

"Did it hurt for me to hold you like that?" he asked, horrified.

"Huh?"

She blinked rapidly, then shook her head as it slowly dawned on her that he must have put two and two together about her involvement in the fight, must have seen some of the signs of bruising.

"No, I... I'm okay. When I'm in the suit, it's... it doesn't hurt."

...

Of course, when she was Marinette... but she wasn't admitting who she was, so. It was fine.

It made him feel only marginally better, because he'd had Marinette up here too-

His heart sank.

"I'm sorry. I didn't realize." God, no wonder. She knew all of his injuries, but had he bothered to find out hers?

"Have you been to the doctor...?"

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